I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
