At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
