I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
