he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize