I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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