She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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