just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
