dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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