WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
