he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
