I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
