Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
