I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
