Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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