Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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