No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
