Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
