I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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