You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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