dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
