never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
