i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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