she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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