you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
