You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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