is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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