I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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