the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
