the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
