By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
