Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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