this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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