just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
