Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
