I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
