i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
