By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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