I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
