I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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