Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
