Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
