He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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