I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
