So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
