8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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