I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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