Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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