Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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