My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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