We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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