i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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