Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Ketchup is God's man juice
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
