Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
