textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
