can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
