please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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