he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize