you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize