3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
