You can't special order awesome
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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