I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
he quoted the bible to break up with me
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
