Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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