Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize