piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
