I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
