imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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