Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
