Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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