A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
