Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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